Emotional Responsibility: How It Defines Healthy Relationships

In any relationship—whether it’s romantic, familial, or friendship—emotional responsibility plays a key role in keeping things healthy. When people take ownership of their actions and how those actions affect others, relationships have the space to thrive. On the flip side, when people dodge responsibility, blame others, or refuse to change harmful behaviours, relationships can become toxic quickly.

What does emotional responsibility look like? Basically it is how it shapes relationships, and how to spot the difference between healthy and toxic dynamics. We will also talk about how to set boundaries with those who refuse to take responsibility for their actions.

What is Emotional Responsibility?

At its core, emotional responsibility means recognising that your words, actions, and choices affect others. It’s understanding that if something you do causes hurt or tension, it’s on you to address it—not to dismiss it or blame the other person.

Emotionally responsible people are self-aware. They pay attention to how their behaviour impacts those around them and take steps to make things right if they’ve caused harm. It’s not about being perfect, but about being open to growth and change. A person who values emotional responsibility will listen when someone expresses hurt, reflect on what happened, and make an effort to adjust their behaviour moving forward.

Emotional Responsibility Builds Trust

When someone takes emotional responsibility, they show that they care about the relationship. It builds trust because both people know they can communicate openly without fear of their feelings being dismissed. Trust is the foundation of any strong relationship, and it’s built when both people are willing to admit when they’re wrong and commit to doing better.

For example, in a healthy friendship, if one person unintentionally says something hurtful, the emotionally responsible thing to do is apologise and change the way they communicate in the future. The other friend feels heard and respected, and the relationship grows stronger as a result.

On the other hand, in toxic relationships, this dynamic is completely flipped. Instead of apologising or taking ownership of their actions, toxic individuals may say things like, “You’re being too sensitive” or “It’s your fault you feel that way.” Rather than making amends, they put the blame back on the other person, making them question their own feelings and experiences. (in other words, they have been gaslighted)

The Difference Between Healthy and Toxic People

Healthy people in relationships genuinely want to grow and improve. When they realise they’ve hurt someone, they’re willing to change. They understand that taking accountability isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a strength. They might say, “I didn’t realise that was hurtful. I’m sorry, and I’ll work on being more mindful next time.” Simple, straightforward, and effective.

Toxic individuals, however, resist taking any responsibility for their actions. Instead of acknowledging their mistakes, they shift the blame to the other person. If you point out something that hurt you, they might respond with, “Why are you with me if I’m so bad?” or “You’re always making a big deal out of nothing.” These deflective comments are a way to avoid responsibility and turn the tables, making you feel like the problem.

One of the clearest signs of a toxic dynamic is when you start questioning yourself after every conflict. Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect, while toxic relationships often leave one person feeling drained, confused, and guilty for things that aren’t their fault.

Setting Boundaries with Toxic People

When someone consistently refuses to take emotional responsibility, it’s important to set boundaries. This doesn’t mean you have to end the relationship right away (unless it’s harmful to your well-being), but it does mean you need to protect your emotional energy.

Boundaries can sound like, “I need you to take responsibility for your actions, or this relationship won’t work for me,” or “I won’t continue this conversation if you keep deflecting the issue.” It’s about clearly stating what’s acceptable and what’s not, while making sure your own emotional health comes first.

Healthy people will respect your boundaries and work with you to improve the relationship. Toxic people, however, will likely push back, become defensive, or double down on their deflections. And that’s a major red flag.

Why Emotional Responsibility is Non-Negotiable

At the end of the day, emotional responsibility is non-negotiable if you want to maintain healthy relationships. It creates space for open communication, builds trust, and allows both people to grow together. Without it, relationships become one-sided, with one person doing all the emotional heavy-lifting while the other dodges accountability.

Healthy relationships aren’t perfect, but they are built on mutual effort, understanding, and a willingness to make changes when needed. Toxic relationships, on the other hand, leave little room for growth because one person refuses to acknowledge their role in the conflict.

Remember: it’s okay to expect emotional responsibility from the people in your life. If someone truly values the relationship, they’ll be willing to put in the work. If not, it might be time to re-evaluate the connection.

For more assistance to work towards healthy relationships and setting boundaries, enquire about my therapeutic coaching sessions, drop me an email [email protected]

© 2024 Shamala Tan