The Many Faces of Empathy: How to Spot the Difference Between Genuine and Performative Care

Empathy is a powerful force that connects us to one another. It's the ability to step into someone else's shoes, feel their pain, and offer support. However, not all empathy is created equal. While some people naturally feel deep, genuine empathy, others might put on a show of empathy for self-centred reasons. This performative empathy is more about gaining attention, admiration, or social approval than truly understanding and caring for others.

What Is Genuine Empathy?

True empathy comes from the heart. It is the sincere ability to share in another person's emotions, whether they are joy or sorrow. When someone truly empathises, they are not thinking about themselves or how others will perceive their actions. Their primary focus is on the person in need, and their actions reflect a deep understanding and care.

For example, when a friend is going through a tough time, a genuinely empathetic person will listen without judgement, offer a shoulder to cry on, and provide support without expecting anything in return. Their concern is authentic, driven by a real connection to the other person's experience. This kind of empathy builds trust and strengthens relationships because it is based on mutual respect and understanding.

The Rise of Performative Empathy

In contrast, performative empathy is more about appearances. It's about acting empathetic to gain something—whether that’s social standing, praise, or even just the satisfaction of being seen as a "good person." People who display performative empathy often seem to care deeply, but their actions are shallow and self-serving.

For instance, someone might make a big show of donating to a charity or comforting a friend in public, but their behaviour changes when there’s no audience. They may only express concern for others when it benefits them, or when it makes them look good in front of others. This type of empathy lacks depth and authenticity, often leaving those on the receiving end feeling unsatisfied or even manipulated.

Signs of Performative Empathy

Recognising performative empathy can be challenging because it often looks like genuine care at first glance. However, there are subtle signs that can help you distinguish between the two:

• Focus on Themselves: People who exhibit performative empathy often turn the conversation back to themselves. Instead of focusing on the person in need, they’ll talk about their own experiences or how much they are doing to help. Their concern for others is secondary to their desire to be recognised for their supposed empathy.
• Inconsistent Behaviour: Someone who is truly empathetic will consistently show care and concern, regardless of who is watching. In contrast, performative empathy is often selective. The person may only act empathetically when it suits them or when they know others will notice.
• Public Displays: Performative empathy often involves grand gestures that are meant to be seen by others. These displays might include making a big deal out of helping someone or offering emotional support in a way that draws attention to their own kindness. Genuine empathy, on the other hand, is more likely to be shown in quiet, private moments where the focus remains on the person in need.
• Lack of Follow-Through and Criticism: Those who engage in performative empathy may make promises to help or offer support but fail to follow through when it really matters. They might disappear when the attention fades, leaving the person they claimed to care about feeling abandoned or unsupported. In some cases, this lack of follow-through can take an even more harmful turn. When the initial show of empathy doesn't bring the expected recognition or if the person in need continues to require support, these individuals might become frustrated and turn against the very person they once "helped." They can become highly critical, accusing the other person of being too needy, ungrateful, or even a burden. This sudden shift from empathy to criticism can be deeply hurtful, leaving the recipient confused and more isolated than before. It's a clear sign that the initial empathy was more about self-image than genuine concern.

The Impact of Performative Empathy

While performative empathy can sometimes seem harmless, it can have significant negative effects. For one, it can erode trust. When people realise that someone’s empathy is more about appearances than genuine concern, it can lead to feelings of betrayal and disappointment. This, in turn, can damage relationships and make it harder for those who are truly in need to seek help in the future.

Moreover, performative empathy can overshadow real acts of kindness. When society rewards those who put on a show, it can discourage authentic expressions of empathy that are quieter and less visible but far more meaningful.

How to Cultivate Genuine Empathy

To avoid falling into the trap of performative empathy, it’s important to cultivate genuine empathy within ourselves. This starts with self-awareness and a sincere desire to connect with others on a deeper level. Here are a few ways to nurture true empathy:

• Listen Actively: Focus on the other person’s feelings without immediately trying to relate them to your own experiences. Truly listen to understand, rather than to respond.
• Practise Selflessness: Genuine empathy often requires putting someone else’s needs before your own. This might mean offering support without expecting anything in return or being there for someone even when it’s inconvenient for you.
• Reflect on Your Motivations: Before offering help or support, ask yourself why you are doing it. If your primary motivation is to gain approval or recognition, reconsider your approach. Aim to help others because you truly want to make a difference in their lives, not because of how it might benefit you.

Empathy is a beautiful, essential quality, but not all empathy is sincere. By learning to spot the differences between genuine and performative empathy, we can foster deeper, more meaningful connections with others. Remember, true empathy is about understanding and supporting others for their sake, not for your own.

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© 2024 Shamala Tan