When our boundaries are not clear (part 1)

Do you struggle with establishing boundaries with others? If you do, then you might find yourself in situations you don't want to be in, even though it wasn't so at the beginning. 

The struggles usually become real, because of our inability to say No, and we feel bad saying No, whether this is to strangers, our friends, colleagues or even family members. 

Most people feel bad saying No to their family and friends because there is a sense of obligation. Now, if you don't know where your boundary ends or begins, you won't know how to establish the boundary. 

The thing is our boundaries will vary from situation to situation, people to people. And we must know ourselves well enough to know the relational connection and value according to situations and people involved. 

Several years ago, I knew of someone who thought he had more value and stake with an organization and expected people to leave with him when he left the organization. His sense of who he was and his value in the organization was over-estimated on his part. The reality was, he was not missed at all when he left, and life went on as usual. So I imagine that he thought he had a much closer bonding than he actually did with the rest of the people.

How did someone come to this point of not seeing the truth or reality of situations? 

Our lack of self-awareness is mostly the culprit here. Our inflated or deflated sense of self can make us see or believe things that are not accurate. 

The other thing that can screw up our understanding regarding boundaries is societal standards and beliefs that are commonly accepted but psychologically so wrong and unhealthy for us. For example, most people think it is ok for couples in a relationship to be each other's healer/teacher/counsellor/adviser/mentor etc. In fact, there is a certain expectation because we have watched enough drama, movies, and read books where this has been illustrated and accepted to be the right thing to do. These sort of mix-ups can inevitably result in an unnecessary power play between the couple. I speak from experience here when I was expected to be some of the above and was accused of being unloving when I made my boundary and stand clear. The unhealthy input from society/TV/drama/family made my then partner have unhealthy expectations of me. 

This can also translate to other types of relationships, friendships and situations. What is the right thing to do in any of these situations? There isn't a fixed method or fixed way, they are highly situational and contextual as are most things in life, and it all boils down to self-awareness. 

In part 2 of this article, I will expand more on what are physical, emotional, mental and spiritual boundaries, so stay tuned!

Want to learn how to have clearer boundaries? Sign up for our Mini Psychic Self Defense LIVE Zoom class happening soon! Click here for the link. 

©2021 Shamala Tan

Let me know how I can assist you if you have any questions [email protected]
Shamala Tan is an author, spiritual entrepreneur and healer. Her work focuses on transforming the lives of others on the spiritual, emotional, mental and earthly level.

One of her success stories as an author is to being featured alongside New York’s bestsellers Sonia Choquette, Robert Allen, Arielle Ford, Marci Shimoff as well as Christine Kloser in the book Pebbles In The Pond.

Shamala’s clients include small business owners, holistic practitioners as well as those seeking to find more significant meaning and value in life. Shamala offers laser coaching to her clients on a one-to-one basis or in a group environment, offline as well as online.